Dear life, I saw you today when you thought I wasn’t looking. You were on the corner of 30th and Colorado, waiting for the light to change, when you shook your wild mop of curls to fully greet the wind. You rode, hanging out the window of the SUV, tongue flapping in the breeze, a grand hello to all you passed. Your petals strained toward the evening sun, nearly flopping over in ecstasy like a dog having reached the ultimate, carnal itch. You didn’t know it, but–right there–you made me fall in love with you all over again. Shake your hair that way once more and I’m yours for eternity.
Monday came and pushed out the sunshine. Echoes of the weekend’s intimacy faded into weekday anomie, and, by nightfall, I was lonely once more.
It was past the hour for a proper meal. I had queried every flavor in the pantry and none had stood up and danced for me. Resigned to the discontent that travels in the wake of unlimited choice, I pecked at fresh fruit and cheese and flipped on the TV. My dog, seeing no potential for scrumptious handouts, gave up completely and called it an early night. And, after a couple episodes of “Six Feet Under” and a dose of righteous melancholy, I too succumbed to the barometric pressure and headed for bed.
Shucking off my clothes, I shoved my hand into my jeans pockets and found an engraved, silver heart–a memento left there to remind me that I’m loved, even if only by an unseen force. I smiled and rubbed its smooth edges and measured its small heft in my palm, fascinated by how some things can be so real and yet so intangible.
Still, the bed felt too big and the empty spaces too confining, crowding me with insecurities on all sides. And, by the time I woke, my beloved had visited and slipped off again. Teetering on the edge of morning consciousness, between the worlds of the sacred and the profane, I tried to stitch together the opposites of my life and, like so many mornings before, my thoughts unraveled into confusion. Yet, standing later at the kitchen counter, stirring the breakfast bowl, I was struck by an image of myself as a character on a movie screen, frozen in time, listening forever intently, as if for her own wistful soundtrack, hoping that the camera won’t pan away just yet because it is this one pose, this one peculiar mood that links her pigtails and ribbons, her worn-out shoes, her mothballed prom dresses, her passport stamps, her degrees on the wall, her proud, grey hairs, and every well-meaning act of generosity scattered amongst friends and family to the thing that’s about to happen.
In the background, Leonard Cohen sings
I saw you this morning. You were moving so fast. Can’t seem to loosen my grip On the past. And I miss you so much. There’s no one in sight. And we’re still making love In my secret life.
There’s something about listening to bad live music that makes me feel like there must be a hidden camera somewhere recording the audience’s misery for someone else’s entertainment.
My new curse upon my enemies will be for them to have to attend a company holiday party which includes being serenaded by a D.J. who is karaoking himself into a music mix that otherwise caters to the nostalgic era of the drunkest people in the crowd. For eternity. Careful if you cross me. You may find yourself doing the Rock Lobster at the Why Em See Ay with Girls Who Justa Wanna Have Fu-uhn until hell freezes over.
My cat is downstairs watching TV alone. Sounds like there’s some Damon Wayans sitcom on. How can he watch that crap? Seriously.
Today, I am wearing a sports top, comfy sweater, running shoes, jeans, and earrings I could sleep in. All blue. I’m not going for pretty today–although that’s a lie, some part of me is always going for pretty. Today, I’m going for energy efficiency. Something tells me that I don’t know it yet, but I need reinforcements. My shoes are squeezing my arches, telling me, “Get on with it already.” Sometimes it’s just a zit-on-the-nose-curls-going-the-wrong way sort of day. You work with what you’ve got. And I’ve got comfortable, color-coordinated active wear. I think I’ll go get myself some fresh carrot-apple-lemon-ginger juice and pay off my credit card.