My mood is improving. The sun is out, the snow is melting, I had a good cry after the Doo Dog post, Hermes wants to come over tonight and take care of me, and frankly I’m having an excellent hair day. If my eyes weren’t puffy from crying, I’d have my picture taken for a replacement employee badge.
I decided it was stupid for me to be sitting at work when I could be at home and give my hips and my heart a better rest. So, now, I’ve got Doo laying on my left leg, P’Sheesh (my cat) laying on my right, and I’m reviewing documentation.
As for my ongoing laundry list of complaints …
10. The state of the world sucks. Especially this country. I’m embarrassed by our behavior. What makes our country exceptional is not its ability to produce wealth. It is our defense of civil rights and the wide range of possibilities for an individual life. And that’s being sold out by institutions we trust and we’re going along with it because of some skewed sense that we need it for our safety and security. And there’s no end in sight. We are in the midst of age of rigidity and righteousness. We are locked down. People are turning on each other. It scares and angers me. I think about this kind of stuff a lot lately. It makes it hard to sleep easily.
9. My relationship to my job is still a problem. I’m good at what I do. But I don’t feel I belong there any more. I don’t have a clear enough, hopeful enough image of what my life could look like without the career I’ve had all my adult life. And, probably more importantly, I get down on myself for being such an impotent wuss about bellying up to the bar of change.
I’m not doing well. I’m more down lately than I’m used to. It’s really wearing on me. Little things don’t just roll off me. I need to get my worries off my chest. I declare today my personal National Day of Complaining. Be prepared.
Just for starters …
7. I’ve started my pilates physical therapy. I felt great after the first session on Monday. Like walking on air, I felt so light. I’ve been trying the exercises on my own. But I think I’m overworking my muscles or maybe working the wrong ones because my hips have been so tight for the last three nights that I’ve had a hard time getting comfortable enough to sleep, and then even after I finally fall asleep my hips wake me up at about 3 AM begging to be stretched. The lack of good sleep is making me irritable and touchy. My whole inner pelvic area seems pretty tense and locked down. I go back on Friday for another session. Hopefully, the instructor can correct whatever it is that I’m doing wrong.
6. My car is burning oil, I think. Quite quickly. It’s a 14 year old car with 140,000 miles. She has been great to me. But she’s on her last legs. Every time I drive her, I wonder when she’s finally going to give up the ghost. I make a point to not drive on low trafficked areas when the weather is inhospitable so that I don’t have to go far to find help if she dies. I’m worried about having to add car payments (on a new/used car once she goes) to my financial obligations.
5. My dog peed on himself while sleeping. Again. We’re up to at least two big accidents a day now. I have to keep him caged when I’m not home, which is a lot. I feel horrible about that. I’m constantly having to do laundry (for the towels I put in his cage). He is getting baths so often that he starts having muscle spasms of nervousness whenever I get near the tub. It takes a lot of time, and other parts of my life are getting squeezed in order to give more attention to this. Bathing him is hard on my back. I’m going to look for baby diapers at the grocery store tonight.
4. My L5/S1 vertebrae is slightly out and it’s making my back tender today.
3. I sat in a hot tub for probably 45 minutes on Tuesday night. It was something I arranged for Hermes with a friend–it was her hot tub–so that he could unwind after an exceptionally stressful day in a stressful week. (It’s the first week of the new trimester and so the kids are jockeying for power and seeing how much they can get away with. Middle schoolers, ya know.) Anyway, the chemicals in it weren’t as bad as in most hot tubs, so I thought I’d be fine. Unfortunately, my environmental/chemical sensitivies kicked in. My skin has been itchy ever since and I have a hard time sitting still. Yesterday, I started to get a rash under my arms. I can’t even tolerate Tom’s of Maine deoderant.
3. I forgot my glasses this morning and am getting a headache typing this. I am going to have to drive back home to get them.
2. I lost my employee badge for work.
1. The cat puked on the good rug this morning. He’s not sick. It’s just his routine monthly puking. But today was not the day I could handle that in stride.
I’m just warming up here. So, you may want to save your sympathies for later posts.