Your prayers and well-wishing are working.
I’m feeling calmer today. Still understandably sad in the little Doo-shaped hole in my heart (like, for example, when I sat on the floor to put on my socks and shoes and he wasn’t there to play the “knock the sock off your head” game). But also pretty peaceful (like, after noticing that the sock game had become a rare occurrence because he was so constantly anxious and confused that he couldn’t keep track of where I was and having a sock draped over his head wasn’t helping).
I find myself excited about the future, dabbling in my dreams of a Ph.D. in religious studies (the program I want to go to has been undergoing some really wonderful changes and is looking better all the time) and of building/renovating a house in Salida (it would have a living green roof with a little belfry sticking up that would be used only for meditation in order to preserve the power of the silence of the space and would have 360 degree views of the mountains all around).
OK, those dreams are a bit conflicting, I know. But I’m enjoying holding open the possibilities.
In the meantime, I’ve written the Benedictine abbey, asking for retreat this weekend to re-ground myself in the comforting emptiness that is so present in me right now. As life breathes, I have been doing a lot of exhaling in the last year. And I feel an inhale coming on.