Spring is coming along nicely here. It rained all day Saturday. The kind of cold rain that makes me excited for the coming green. And while it’s way too early for us to be having this much warm weather and the early snow melt doesn’t bode well for our summer water supply, the doom isn’t hampering the springtime happening in my soul right now.
Doo has been doing better lately. He has been more alert and calm, ready to just be wherever I am without worrying about the 10 feet of floorboards that he is not patrolling by the entrance. We got through his bath this weekend without much trouble and our friend, an incredible animal lover, came over to love on him and hang out with him, knowing that he doesn’t have much time left in this world. After the visit to Doo’s vet/acupuncturist last week for his bimonthly tune up, I asked the vet how long he thinks Doo’s body will hold out. And he said that Doo’s chi is pretty weak (hence the difficulty in finding a balance between between pacing all of the time and sleeping all of the time) and that he wouldn’t be surprised if Doo just goes in his sleep within the next couple of months. This was a total relief to hear, as this is how I always pictured events would pass. I told the vet my worries about me selfishly keeping him alive and he said that Doo seems happy enough and just likes to hang around the house and around me now and that there’s no urgency from Doo’s end to take matters into my own hands. And now that I’ve passed on that job offer, there’s no urgency on my end either. So, I’m just enjoying every moment with him and repeatedly thanking the universe for placing him in my life. For now, this kind of talk is mostly a joyous thing, and not the anxiety-ridden affair I was enduring a couple of weeks ago.
Doo and I got lots of errands done this weekend. Having a housemate is motivating me to get little things fixed up around the house. I fixed the rattle of her bedroom door. I bought a new, rainfall-type shower head for her bathroom (but discovered I don’t have the right wrench to get the old one off). I bought a new fan to replace the noisy, ailing one that I’ve been putting up with for years now in my bathroom, but discovered that the existing one seems to be drywalled permanently into place (which means it is probably 25-30 years old, just like my house). So, I conceded the reward of the ego boost I get when I’m handy around the house and instead called the fix-it guy to come do it so that it will actually get done in this century. He says he’ll take a look and, if it involves re-drywalling, he’ll take the motor and blades out to for retooling. Better that than tearing out my ceiling.
I got the new TV all set up and swapped the speakers around in the house and got the electronics all hooked up just the way I want them. Hermes and I watched Casino Royale on my big screen on Saturday night. It was just as good as the first time in the theater. And my new set-up is schweet. I’m considering upgrading to high def cable just because it’s such a thing of beauty. Also, while I was at Radio Shack buying the extra cabling I needed, I picked up some replacement earbuds for my iPod, and so, after a relatively music-less spell, I’ve been listening to my tunes as I do my daily life again. Prince, Queen, and Maria Callas helped me shop for groceries this morning. On top of the joy of having a soundtrack for my life, I’m pleasantly surprised how much more centered and happy I feel and how much more present I am in each moment when I’ve been floating along without the chaotic noise of outer life wearing down my attention span. Which is pretty incongruous to what you might expect (that ignoring some input actually makes me MORE attuned).
Along that theme, I meditated again with that new group on Sunday. The situation really suits me. There is no talking there except for a “good morning” and a shaking of hands on the way out the door. It frees me up to not worry about making a good impression or doing things right or troubling over what lessons I should be learning. I’m just there, listening for my own experience, and any sort of wisdom arises organically. My old group was pretty minimalist too, but this is a lot less talking than before (which included dream analysis and some personal processing). As the years go by, I’m finding more and more value in the way of knowing people through sharing space and silence over a long period of time. No complicated personality dynamics. No urgency. It builds a lot of spaciousness and patience into the relationship.
As clarsa once put it, it’s the “moreso” phenomenon: that is, whatever we were when we were younger, we are just more so as we age. I’m such an introvert now that I even get tired spending a few hours with my best friends if we’ve been doing a lot of talking. Fortunately, I’ve got a lot of good friends who get this about me and are either very similar or don’t feel slighted if I don’t choose to try to keep up with their–or the world’s–pace.