something’s gotta give

Well, although I’ve sleeping through the night consistently for almost two weeks now, my back is still giving me hell. After 6 months of focused work, my doc, physical therapist, and massage therapist have got my hips pretty well aligned and stable. They haven’t been giving me any trouble, thank the gods. But now we have to tackle my midback which is all frozen up–so much so that it makes it hard to breathe. My MT noticed that, when I breathe, my back ribs don’t expand outward like would be normal. And instead my upper ribs slide upwards to compensate.

It’s the worst first thing in the morning when I wake up. Tuesday morning, I was standing in the shower, trying to breathe and relax and get those muscles to let go when I started seeing stars and had to turn off the water and get on the ground and hang my head between my knees. This is so frickin’ frustrating. Wednesday, I was hurting so much through my midback that I couldn’t even stand to the feeling of a bra strap back there. So, I put on a big, floppy sweater and took a half of a valium straight away and then kind of stumbled around the house like a drunk driver. (Funny how some days that stuff really affects me and other days I can hardly feel it at all.) My back muscles started to relax and I started to breathe better and so instead I was just sleepy and sore, rather than tight and oxygen deprived. I got a massage yesterday and we decided to switch tactics: since we’ve got things working from the bottom up, we are going to work from the top down and go after my neck and shoulders and get that opened up and aligned and see if we can get my midback to TAKE a FRICKIN CLUE.

I’m so sick of this. I whined to my new manager (yes, I got re-orged a few weeks ago) about this yesterday and confessed how demoralizing this all is. He seemed sympathetic and mentioned anecdotally a few folks that have chosen to take leave of absences to deal with illness and family related matters. I may look into that.

I’ve been on a leave of absence from school for the last year because I can’t sit at a computer all day for my job and then come home and sit at a computer all night for school. Maybe it’s time to turn the tables. I’ve only 11 months left to have that thesis finished, edited, approved, and on the shelf in the school library. I don’t know if an LOA is even a possibility as far as work goes. But something has GOT to give or my muscles and fascia won’t.

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4 thoughts on “something’s gotta give

  1. This might sound silly,.. but have you thought about dictation software? Like Dragon Naturally speaking? You wouldn’t technically have to be sitting. You could be laying down relaxing, and just talking your thesis or work. Just a thought. While I certainly have my share of back problems… joint problems.. shoulder socket problems, I have never been in such a position as to not be able to breathe. Like I said,.. just a thought.

  2. I’m so, so sorry. I can think of few things more frustrating, especially to an integrated, self-aware person, than part of you refusing to cooperate with the other parts…

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