My Dream Job

Well, I’m kinda depressed. I really want to be done with computer programming. I’m just not that into it anymore. I applied for a job that is out of my field of experience (technical writing) but is one that I’d be good at. Plus, they’d be seriously lucky to have someone like me since I am so knowledgable and networked in the technical arena. Alas, I got turned down for lack of direct publishing experience. Harumph.

Today, reminded me of my dream job. In my fantasy, I would be an ass-kicking, hard-nosed cop on the Grammar and Vocabulary Police force. We would cruise the web and monitor corporate meetings and press releases for incorrect qualifying phrases, mixed metaphors, and unimaginative neologisms. We would be crusaders rescuing juicy but uncommon vocabulary words from obscurity. We would be asked to come to elementary schools and stand in our impressive uniforms and deliver educational talks on etymology, and the kids would be awed and dream of becoming philologists someday. Hell, they’ll probably even make reality TV shows of us.

Our first mission: Rid the world of the temptation to modify the word ‘unique’. (Listen up, folks, there is no such thing as “very unique” or even “sort of unique”. By definition, something is unique or it is not. Check your dictionary.)

OK, maybe that would be our second mission. First mission would be to duct tape GWB’s mouth so as to no longer corrupt the minds of our youngsters with the implicit endorsement of catachreses as correct English. (Picture it: Some day, there will be a whole generation of adults who go to work to put “food on their families”.)

Somebody cheer me up and make a sentence using one of more of the following words: absquatulate, fatuous, prolixity. I promise I won’t beat you with my truncheon (also known as “Strunk and White”). I know how to refrain from taking work home with me. 😉 Besides, I can be quite docile when wooed with $10 words.

P.S. Yes, I know I used a dangling preposition above. I’m enigmatic and multifarious that way.


7 thoughts on “My Dream Job

  1. Surely you have seen this…

    Also, as requested:

    1) My mother absquatulated on January 6, 2006. She is buried in Suffolk, VA. (Yes, I went for the secondary meaning….)

    2) I have a friend who thinks her fatuous bahavior is charming, but really, we all want her to absquatulate.

    3) Dear God! His prolixity combined with her fatuousness made me want to absquatulate! Seriously, at the *least*, I want my time back.

  2. As the founder of the Society for the Preservation of Adverbs, I think your first mission should be to save the endangered word “really”, as in, “It’s really annoying when someone says, ‘It’s real annoying.'”

    Mission #2 should be to go to all the check-out lanes in the country and destroy all the signs that say “(#) items or less.” Fewer, damn you ignorant beasts! Fewer, I say!

    Your third mission should be to wreak your wrath on my future step-daughter’s school, as the latest newsletter includes these sentences:

    “For those new to St. Vrain or have come from out of state, you may not be familiar with our state testing.” ~ from the Principal’s letter regarding CSAPs and how they encourage higher academic performance.

    “Congratulations is in order for Miss Alice Ruppert!” ~ from Mrs. Baranway, 8th grade English teacher.

    • Your proposed Mission #2 has been duly bumped up in priority. I’ll see if I can get Whole Foods on that task. They like to be on the cutting edge.

      Oh my. [*rolls eyes, shakes head, puts hand to forehead*]. I hope Miss Alice Ruppert knows who she is supposed to congratulate and for what she is supposed to be congratulating them.

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