portico problems

Criminy … talk about exploring different ends of the spectrum. Lately, I have been so non-commital and protective of my space that I have been hesitant to make plans for social things until the very last minute. My deal is that I feel uncertain, when it comes down to the moment, whether I’ll be in the mood to go out or to be around people or whatever. Usually, I’m such a “J”(INFJ) that people who are so open-ended like I’ve been lately make me incredibly frustrated.

But I hit the limits of its advantages today. I’ve known for a long time that I wanted to go to the Bobby McFerrin concert tonight. I just didn’t know if I’d want company or not, so I drug my heels on getting tickets. Today, I realized that I was actually looking forward to going by myself. (Bobby McFerrin’s work inspires my vocal work in a way that not many would understand and I wanted the space to experience the concert in that context without having to dilute or explain it to anyone.) So, I call and it turns out it has been sold out for two weeks.

Note to self: You can’t walk through some doors without closing others, but it’s better than standing alone in the hallway watching the world pass you by.

meditation revisited

I noticed today that the process of learning to meditate is like learning to dance. There is an essential core of an experience that I’m trying to reach. But starting from the outside, all I can see and relate to are the mechanics of it. What does one do with their eyes? Their breath? Posture? What do I do with my thoughts when they come up and attract me? But, for example, when I’m dancing and its flowing, my mind is not busy managing all of those things. I think of something and it’s already done, just like that. It’s so intuitive. Or, I don’t even think, I just respond. And the process of focussing and being ready and available to respond and then flowing with it does puts me into a consuming, trancelike state.

Ability to Surprise Myself

Feeling happy but introspective again. Every day, I seem to surprise myself with just how much space I really need. For a woman who has spent a good chunk of her life trying to endear herself to others, now that I don’t feel so desperate, I am continually shocked to discover this about myself.

“It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.” – Lester Burnham